Holding Back

So, if you look back on my previous posts, you’ll come across one titled “Beautiful Vulnerability.” It was my first post that had more ‘meaningful’ content, so to speak, or at least gives you a glimpse into my heart and mind, reflecting who I am as a person.

A couple of months ago, I was chatting with a friend. We were talking about relationships, and he flat out told me that I’m too guarded.  I could see why he felt that way.  He’s someone who has been very patient in taking the time to get to know me over the past year and a half.  He told me that my blog was a glimpse into the person I am deep down, but my writing just scratches the surface.

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Although (still) slightly offended, the saddest part was, I couldn’t even really defend myself because I knew it was true.  As someone chisels away at the first layer of a pretty thick wall I’ve built over several years, I’m replenishing the cement on the other end simultaneously.

I’m at a point in my life now where the walls that (I thought) used to protect me are now only holding me back. I always say I’m an open book if someone asks the right questions, but what if they’re not asking the tough questions? When do I have to show up and be even more vulnerable in order to open up? When is it my turn to step it up and self-disclose first?

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I’m not saying that I never initiate these deeper conversations; I’m just saying that it makes me uncomfortable, and I’d rather the other person initiate them.  I’m sure I’ve lost a handful of people in my life because I wasn’t ready to fully open up and be vulnerable. Not everyone is going to stick it out. To play Devil’s advocate, I’ve even ended a relationship because I felt frustrated (and bored, honestly).  I felt that it wasn’t meaningful and not on the deeper emotional and intellectual level that I desired it to be on.  I needed something more, but to be fair, my fear, which held me back from initiating those deeper conversations, strongly came into play.

I shouldn’t have a fear of getting close to someone, but it’s there.  Not for everyone, just for people who don’t self-disclose first.  Maybe it’s time for me to make someone else feel comfortable and initially reveal myself to them.  If anything, getting close to someone new is a rewarding and beautiful experience that I should look forward to, not be afraid of.

***
All of these beautiful photos were taken in Aruba!

The swimsuit is by Asos 🙂

Xx Marisa

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